Shame

I am consuming and being so passionate into too many things which makes it hard for me to focus on only one thing which strangely make myself feel like I know nothing. I can't do anything. I realize that it is bad but in the other hand I feel the need to be able to know and understand everything. I don't want to be that person who barely know things and don't have the ability to be an expert on one thing. It made me feel worthless.

Actually, I know what I want. I always knew. I knew this thing that I want since I was a kid. But then life happened, which put me in this stage of life. I am living in my own hell and I can't get out from here. I am folded inside my own vulnerability.

That Box of Perception

"Ew, she's so gross..." The first girl said
"What girl?" Her friend responded
"You know that girl." She moved her sight to 'that girl'. Not forgot to mention that she used her chin to point to 'that girl'.
"I know, she's not even pretty... Why is she even trying?"

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I overheard this conversation when I was sitting alone at the park area of my campus while I tried to read my Politic Theory textbook. These two girls didn't shut their mouth or at least decreasing their high pitched voices, which was like trying to block the function of my ear cannal and my brain nerves at the same time, just for two seconds. I couldn't concentrate so I closed the book, took off my glasses, and sipped my supposed to be hot tea that was already cold because I forgot I had them. It tasted bitter, I like my tea bitter. I decided to go for the class rightaway.

What went on inside my head was all hatred. I instantly hated those two girls talking crap about other people because of their looks. I mean, if I should set my judgment, they are not even pretty either. But again, my definition of pretty might different from what these two girls were talking about.

It got me thinking on how easy it is for people to set a perception on beauty or how good things are supposed to look like. Being trapped in this kind perception is just like being locked in a room where you can only wear a prom dress with a killer heels your whole life. You might look pretty or even amazing, but you know it is not that comfortable. What you want is probably wearing your favorite pajama with no underwear and make yourself look as publicly unacceptable as possible, simply because it feels good.

I should probably calm myself down and send my gratitude for the fact that I am not trapped in that box of perception. Thank you, God, for my uncommon brain.

Hi Again, After A Long Time

It is pretty devastating to realize the fact that I haven't touch this blog for a long period of time. It reached the point where I even forgot that I own a blog until I realize my writing skill was decreasing when I had to write an essay.

The last time I wrote, it was May... so yeah, 2 months. Way to go to completely not sharing stuff. But honestly I am pretty much enjoying my own solitude lately. I spent my 22nd birthday alone last June. Even with the fact that there are still plenty of people who did remember my birthday eventhough I've already deleted my facebook (which made me pretty happy), haha. And I also spend a lot of time at home -- not to avoid the traffic, but seriously, Jakarta, duh -- because it's fun.

This is the first of August, in which the month where I only have a month left until the start of new law school period and planning on what to do in life (which I am not really interested - I'm a very 'going with the flow'* type of person).

A lot of things are going on in my mind lately. Whether it's just me who just turned 22 and finally being mature enough to realize that I am going to face the "real world" or I was just thinking too much, but I've been fantasizing (if fantasizing is a real world) what would it be like to work and paying my own bills and stuff. But another funny thing, I don't have any vision or even the desire to work as a regular employee on some kind of regular company.

I have already had this vision of me performing all the time making money by doing music since I was a kid and it is still strongly being my very big dream. I do still taking some freelance percussion gigs, but it's just not enough from what I've always wanted. I want to reach the point where I can do music and inspire others to play music too because, as cliche as it sounds, music is the only thing that can make people understand one and another even in daily life they speaks another languages. Crazy enough, I recently just have this one big dream that I hope I can turn it into reality one day... I want to have my own music business company. And I know it's not an easy thing but I will try to learn.

This might be just a blabbery blog post, but seriously I still have a lot to share and I will.

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* but ambitious, just a side note